So I'm pretty sure it finally hit me today. In 4 days I'll be done with highschool classes and in 7 I'll be off to start my own life out of grade school. I am feeling giddy yet nervous all at once. I looked in the mirror yesterday and realized this is who I am and this is who I'll always be. The only difference is what I choose for myself. The fact that the day is coming when I'll have to completely take care of myself and be responsible is really strange to me. I know that my first year in college is set, but as for the next years I haven't a clue. I'll be going to IPFW my first year. I'm very excited, yet very nervous. I got a scholarship that is going to be a lot of help but I also know that I'll be in a lot of debt. I almost feel like an adult....It's kinda cool! But really scary! =/ As I look around, I don't see teens anymore. I see young adults who have a plan and who are working towards that plan even just sitting in a classroom. Reality is hitting....and it's hitting hard.

Stresses

I am so tired of trying to make people happy all the time. I mean no disrespect to anyone from this blog, but I have to say what's on my mind because it is driving me crazy. When it was just my mom, my dad, and I things were good. I was decently happy. The only people I felt I had to please were my parents. Well, in some weird, unknown way, now that my dad is dead, now I have to please more people. How that can possibly happen beats me. Now I have two people in my life who are stressing me to no end, not including my mom. I thought both were my friends, but the jealousy they have over one another has proven me wrong. They never were my friends. How can friends be so consumed in one another that they lose sight of what really matters. These two are a lot alike and they don't even realize it. They hate eachother....that they have made very obvious. And now they have put me right in the middle. When one is over, the other gets angry and even when I talk to one, the other still gets hurt. Trying to please both of them is an endless fight that I am sick of trying to win. I just want it to be back like it used to be...my dad, my mom, and myself. My boyfriend is getting upset with both of these people because he can tell how its effecting me, therefore his and I's relationship is becoming strained. I can't handle the stress that comes with these two. To forgive one and continue on the "friendship" that we had might not be the best idea. I don't want someone to expect me to explain everything to them, and both of them want this from me. Quite frankly I am done. If they want my friendship, they will come to me, but I can't keep up like this. It's making me sick and restless and stressed and hurt and the list goes on. Neither of them understand how I'm feeling and no matter how hard I try to convey my pain, neither of them care. It really hurts when one or both treat me so badly over something they have no clue about. True friendship isn't about knowing every detail about someone's life, its about being there when needed and trying to lift their spirits. As far as I'm concerned, neither of these people are my friends, and really they never have been.

M.I.C.H.E.L.E.

M-missing those near and dear to my heart

I-if only I could go back and change things

C-cherishing those valuable memories

H-hoping to understand why

E-extremely tired of all the pain

L-lying to those close to me that I'm ok

E-encouraging everyone to live and love

I have absolutely no idea as to why this popped into my head. My best guess is that I'm just thinking about and missing my father. From this experience I have learned to love like I've never been hurt before, to cherish every second of every day even the bad parts, and to tell those closest to me that I love them and if anything was to ever happen to them I would be devastated. To whoever reads this: Live your life like noone's watching, Love like you've never been hurt, and Dance like you've never danced before. You never know when you or a loved one will be taken away forever. Don't ever pass up an oppurtunity to tell those around you just how much you love them and cherish them.