So I'm pretty sure it finally hit me today. In 4 days I'll be done with highschool classes and in 7 I'll be off to start my own life out of grade school. I am feeling giddy yet nervous all at once. I looked in the mirror yesterday and realized this is who I am and this is who I'll always be. The only difference is what I choose for myself. The fact that the day is coming when I'll have to completely take care of myself and be responsible is really strange to me. I know that my first year in college is set, but as for the next years I haven't a clue. I'll be going to IPFW my first year. I'm very excited, yet very nervous. I got a scholarship that is going to be a lot of help but I also know that I'll be in a lot of debt. I almost feel like an adult....It's kinda cool! But really scary! =/ As I look around, I don't see teens anymore. I see young adults who have a plan and who are working towards that plan even just sitting in a classroom. Reality is hitting....and it's hitting hard.

Stresses

I am so tired of trying to make people happy all the time. I mean no disrespect to anyone from this blog, but I have to say what's on my mind because it is driving me crazy. When it was just my mom, my dad, and I things were good. I was decently happy. The only people I felt I had to please were my parents. Well, in some weird, unknown way, now that my dad is dead, now I have to please more people. How that can possibly happen beats me. Now I have two people in my life who are stressing me to no end, not including my mom. I thought both were my friends, but the jealousy they have over one another has proven me wrong. They never were my friends. How can friends be so consumed in one another that they lose sight of what really matters. These two are a lot alike and they don't even realize it. They hate eachother....that they have made very obvious. And now they have put me right in the middle. When one is over, the other gets angry and even when I talk to one, the other still gets hurt. Trying to please both of them is an endless fight that I am sick of trying to win. I just want it to be back like it used to be...my dad, my mom, and myself. My boyfriend is getting upset with both of these people because he can tell how its effecting me, therefore his and I's relationship is becoming strained. I can't handle the stress that comes with these two. To forgive one and continue on the "friendship" that we had might not be the best idea. I don't want someone to expect me to explain everything to them, and both of them want this from me. Quite frankly I am done. If they want my friendship, they will come to me, but I can't keep up like this. It's making me sick and restless and stressed and hurt and the list goes on. Neither of them understand how I'm feeling and no matter how hard I try to convey my pain, neither of them care. It really hurts when one or both treat me so badly over something they have no clue about. True friendship isn't about knowing every detail about someone's life, its about being there when needed and trying to lift their spirits. As far as I'm concerned, neither of these people are my friends, and really they never have been.

M.I.C.H.E.L.E.

M-missing those near and dear to my heart

I-if only I could go back and change things

C-cherishing those valuable memories

H-hoping to understand why

E-extremely tired of all the pain

L-lying to those close to me that I'm ok

E-encouraging everyone to live and love

I have absolutely no idea as to why this popped into my head. My best guess is that I'm just thinking about and missing my father. From this experience I have learned to love like I've never been hurt before, to cherish every second of every day even the bad parts, and to tell those closest to me that I love them and if anything was to ever happen to them I would be devastated. To whoever reads this: Live your life like noone's watching, Love like you've never been hurt, and Dance like you've never danced before. You never know when you or a loved one will be taken away forever. Don't ever pass up an oppurtunity to tell those around you just how much you love them and cherish them.

Graduation Confusion

With graduation coming up, I find myself wandering where my life is going and how I'm going to get there. This is a huge mile-stone for all of the class of 2009. We're all thrilled to be getting out of school and away from our parents...but at the same time I think all of us are beginning to get a tad scared knowing that these next decisions could be the biggest decisions of our life. They could very well be life-altering.

The other day I was asked such a simple question, but such a hard one to answer. "What are your plans after high school?" Oh, I thought when that question I would be able to answer in a heartbeat...no thinking no nothing 'I'm going to college to be a nurse' was my answer but then I really really thought about it and what I was going to become of my life and the more I think, the more I realize I haven't got a clue. Of course I'm going to college to become something, but as the days go by, I get more and more frantic about these major choices. So the next time I see that man who asked me that question, I'm just simply going to tell him I don't have a clue but I'll find out soon enough, and when I do, I'll let him know.

Good luck to all those who are graduating and best wishes!!! This is gonna be interesting....

Billy-Bob

In honor of my father....My dad was a great guy. Sure he had his flaws but who doesn't?! I mean really, no one is perfect, not even close. My dad was found dead recently in his own home by his own family. I loved him a lot and sometimes I don't think he really knew that. It's been a difficult time lately because I'm angry with him but I still love him very much. I'm moving now and I can't even imagine what it will be like once it hits me that my dad is dead and I won't be seeing him anymore. I feel like I may be in shock at the moment, and that scares me. My family worries that I'll turn out like him....and my grandpa...and great grandpa....and....well the list goes on. As much as I would like to believe I'll never be like them, my mind wanders if one day I will do what they did....I'm scared. I hope that my dad is happier dead than he was alive because all I really care about is that he got what he wanted and that was to permanently get away from all those who loved him. No matter how I feel about this situation and the hell that comes with it, I hope that he knew when he took his final breath that I loved him and always would. And I hope and pray to God that he loved me too. Its the only comfort I have.

Parents....friend or foe?

It always amazes me how growing up your parents are the first to say "great job!" "Keep up the good work!" and other encouraging things. They are always the most postitive and encouraging ones. I can remember countless times when my mom would tell me I did great on something, even if the grade on it was a B or below...Then I hit junior high and high school. What is it that makes the comments go from positive to negative within 3 months?! For the last six years, I have heard the positive comments like "you can do it!" or "good job!" maybe once every month or so. Otherwise its basically "Oh well that was good but you could have done better" or the oh-so-famous one "It just wasn't good enough." Since when did our best become our failure? Many parents are happy with their kids' success, but then there are those select few who are never content. I for one have parents who never attended college. One is at a dead-end job and the other unemployed. I plan to attend college for a degree in health care, but it just isn't good enough for them.......I'm beginning to wonder if my best will ever be good enough.....